I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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