on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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