Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
