i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
