After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
