Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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