I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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