i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
