I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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