took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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