Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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