Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
