I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
