3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
