She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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