and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
