The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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