They should really pass out barf bags in church
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
