my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
be right there i have to get my cape
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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