I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
