I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
is this the sara with the beer cane?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
