Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
