Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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