hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
