I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
