Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
