My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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