just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
