this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
