My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
