Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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