I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
