You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
