I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
