I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
