Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
