o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
