Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
