I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
