every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
