Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
