Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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