Plan B is the new Plan A
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
