a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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