i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
