I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
