If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
did i walk over a car last night?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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