Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
