Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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