Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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