Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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